Help is available and you will have a happy life again soon!

Who potentially commits infidelity?: Anyone!

Infidelity is not unique to men or women. In the past, the stereotypical cheating husband running around with a younger woman was the norm. As society has changed, so has infidelity. The normal roles and boundaries that existed for men and women have shifted and the sexes are more equal now than ever before. Along with that shift in roles has come a noticeable increase in the number of women initiating adulterous relationships, infidelity and one night stands. Women have stepped into positions of power everywhere in society and with that change has come an increase in the number of women cheating on their husbands. The result is that somewhere between 1/3 and ½ of all marriages that end have experienced infidelity on the part of at least one party.

Men and women who cheat are unique in their approach to an affair. For more information about a cheating husband or cheating wife, click on these links to read about how Men Cheat or how Women Cheat. We think that it is important for you to know just how many people’s lives are effected everyday by adultery and the cheating spouse. This is important because you need to know that you are not alone. You will get through this affair and you will be happy again one day, hopefully very soon.

Why it can happen

The most common answer to why spouses cheat is that something is wrong in the marriage and the affair is a bi-product of those problems, even when most other aspects of the relationship are working well. “The problem” is often one that the faithful spouse who would never think of cheating does not see or has elected to ignore for one reason or another. Other times, the marriage has changed and evolved in a way that leaves the cheating husband or cheating wife feeling left out or somehow empty. Those changes may include a shift in attitudes toward one another and the problems ensue. When a spouse feels that his or her needs are not being met, some turn to their work, others to drugs or alcohol and many to the arms of another man or woman. Although this appears to be the most common cause, there are others who engage in an affair or infidelity purely for the sex. They do not want their relationship to end, they simply seek the thrill that being with someone else brings. Either way, the pain, humiliation and betrayal are the same.

Why the cheating spouse will always lie

Aside from the obvious hope that the unfaithful spouse can keep the affair hidden, cheaters likely have one of the following sets of circumstances that reinforces the lies.

Perhaps they are involved with someone else that they want to be with all the time and form a new life with that person, but for some reason, now is not the right time or they have not managed to lock in that new relationship, so they wait. Telling you the truth, although an inevitability, would only cause them problems that they need not experience, or they are still unsure that the other person is totally committed to building a life with them, so they want to keep you around as a back up. We are not stating this to be cruel, it is just one of the major reasons that cheaters report.

A second common set of circumstances that lead cheaters to lie is that they do not want to end their relationship with you, but they want to have that additional relationship with someone else that gives them some emotional fulfillment that they are not getting at home. Obviously you would not be remotely amused about the possibility of your spouse having an affair and they know this, so they lie and rationalize that they can pull off the affair without being caught. Many a cheating husband or cheating wife reports that they are too ashamed to admit what they did, no matter what the circumstances. They cannot live with the label of “cheater” and will deny the affair even at the jeopardy of their marriage.

Regardless of what’s behind the lie, most cheating spouses know how much it would hurt you if you found out. They know what it will do to you and they still go forward with the affair, but by trying to keep it a secret, they are also trying to protect you from the pain and suffering that would surely come if their betrayal is discovered. They rationalize this with thoughts like “he/she does not understand me”, “she/he could not handle the truth”, etc.

You need to know the truth and have proof before anything else can move forward. With unanswered questions and potential lies surrounding you, you cannot possibly make the right decisions and heal yourself. Get the truth before you start making important, life changing decisions.

After Infidelity is discovered

The physical act of infidelity is not necessarily the most damaging element. An extra-marital affair is almost always conducted in secrecy. This secrecy, particularly once it is discovered, undermines an otherwise healthy marriage. The idea of trust, openness, sharing and the belief that you belong to something all will unquestionably be damaged. At this point, the cheater needs to own up to things and the victim needs to be able to express what they are going through openly. Then the issue that led to the affair can be addressed and both parties need to take responsibility for the problems and how they will be fixed. Yes, a marriage can survive infidelity and a happy marriage can be restored with patience, sincerity and effort. Some of the hurdles that will arise are the victim’s inability to get over the deception, the adulterer’s inability to realize what they have done and how wrong it is or a general inability to address and fix the underlying problems.

Signs of Spousal infidelity

Some statistics say that 85% of women who feel their lover is cheating are correct and 50% of men who feel their lover is cheating are right. If you have suspicions, consider some of the following and be as impartial as possible.

Have you noticed a:

• Sudden increase in time away from home
• Decreased sexual interest with you
• Cheating spouse is often distracted and day dreaming
• Cheating husband or wife is often “unavailable” while at work
• Cheating spouse attends new functions outside of work and wants to go without you
• Cell phone calls from you are not returned in timely fashion
• Cheating spouse leaves house or goes to other rooms to talk on the telephone
• Cheating spouse uses computer alone and secretly
• Cheating spouse asks about your schedule more often than usual
• Mileage on car is high yet he / she reports only short distance errands
• Clothes smell of perfume or cologne
• Cheating spouse gets his / her laundry done independently
• Unexplained payments on bank statements
• Cheating spouse has more cash on hand without accountability
• Cell phone bills contain calls with long duration
• Cheating spouse now has a phone card but never used one before
• Cheating wife or husband has unexplained receipts in wallet or purse
• Cheating spouse has suspicious phone voice-mail messages
• Cheating spouse has suspicious cell phone numbers stored or dialed
• Internet web browser history list (this is a record of web sites visited) contains unusual sites
• Cheating spouse begins to use new or free e-mail account
• Cheating spouse is suddenly deleting e-mail messages